The Worst Masturbation Mistakes You Can Make

When it comes to masturbation, simple equals safe. But since variety is the spice of life, plenty of guys have decided to shake up their masturbation routines with exotic techniques or foreign objects. Spoiler alert: This usually does not end well.

Take, for example, the 27-year-old man who decided it would be fun to constrict the flow of blood to his penis—similar to what a penis ring is designed to do—by sliding a plastic bottle onto his Johnson. You can see where this is going.

The bottle became stuck, “strangling” his penis and causing distal edema—a rapid accumulation of blood in his shaft that caused it to swell to twice its usual erect girth, according to case report in the Indian Journal of Surgery.

Fortunately, this guy’s penis returned to normal size after doctors cut the bottle away. (They have no idea if the man suffered any long-term effects because they never heard from him again—presumably because he was too embarrassed to answer their follow-up calls.)

POUNDING IT UNTIL YOU PUKE.

POUNDING IT UNTIL YOU PUKE.

After 2 days of vomiting, fever, scrotum swelling, and muscle pain, a 29-year-old finally decided to visit the ER. Doctors eventually diagnosed him with Fournier’s gangrene, a rare type of microbial infection.

The cause? He’d masturbated so frequently that he’d opened up abrasions on the shaft of his penis, which left him vulnerable to infection.

Doctors treated him with antibiotics and several rounds of skin-grating surgery to re-insulate his severely chafed penis from the elements.